Instant Cult Classic!

If Your Star Is Named Dieter Laser, It’s Not a Good Sign: A Review of “The Human Centipede”

Sep 30th, 11 / 0 Comments

I’m not sure that this film needs any introduction. If you haven’t at least heard of it, I’m not sure why you’re on this website. But in case you’re not familiar, the entire film can pretty much be summed up in one graphic:

Uh....... UHHHHHH........

The Human Centipede (written and directed by some bastard named Tom Six, so you know who to blame) is torture porn at its finest– mad scientist kidnaps attractive foreigners vacationing in the German countryside and conducts mad science experiments on them. But you’re not here for the plot, are you? No, you’re here for the money shot. You’re just watching this thing for the unveiling of the triple ass-to-mouth freak train of people silly enough to trust creepy Europeans. No, he’s definitely not going to kill you. Definitely not going to cut your face open and sew it to someone else’s asshole, so that whenever they poo, that’s what you’re eating. I wish I were exaggerating.

He looked like an alright guy at the time.

I tried watching this for the first time with my husband, who shares my passion for bloody disgusting horror movies. The problem is that he can never finish a movie without falling asleep. Usually I try to keep an eye on him and wake him up if I notice he’s drifted off. This time, I didn’t bother. I was thoughtful enough to spare him that image burning itself into his brain forever. I’m usually very good at controlling my stomach when it comes to movie gore but as soon as the Japanese dude at the front of the line had to shit, I started losing it.

What’s actually pretty impressive about this film is its ability to gross out everyone without actually showing a ton of gore. Most of it is people crawling around attached to each other, bandages covering the real money shots. Very little blood and no actual poop are revealed… something that Six vows to remedy in the sequel. Oh yes. They’re making another one. And apparently they’re going to show you EVERYTHING. Sweet Christ.

This film works on a premise that could potentially send it straight into the WTF Hall of Fame (WTFHOF) along with the likes of A Serbian Film and the Mr. Hands video (don’t google it). I think it’s sick, twisted and depraved, and I can’t believe they’re making another one, and I almost puked up my spaghetti… but don’t get the idea that I don’t love it. Because I do. I really, truly do.

Blood & Gore, Foreign, Horror, WTF

Coming up– Monster Fest!

Sep 19th, 11 / 0 Comments

It’s that wonderful time of the year again! Goddam I love fall. 90% of why I love fall has to do with Halloween, and of course the first event to kick of the season is Monster Fest! And this year Instant Cult Classic is going to be sitting around giving out candy, selling off old DVDs and giving out… business cards… let’s see where we are next year and maybe I’ll think about having stickers made.

In addition to saps like myself, they have a ton of vendors who constantly supply awesome Halloween crap (or general around the house crap) and feature our local TV horror hosts of years past… and in Madblood’s case, sort of present.

Anyway, if you’re in or near southeastern Virginia or northeastern North Carolina, definitely check out Monster Fest at the Chesapeake Central Library, October 1st 2011. Oh yeah. It’s totally free.

How to get banned from cable, the easy way! A Review of “Imprint”

May 24th, 11 / 0 Comments

There’s something you need to know about cable. The FCC doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what you put on cable, and they care even less about what goes on a premium channel. This is how Showtime gets away with entire rooms of blood in Dexter, or Mary-Louise Parker doinking everything with legs in Weeds, or David Duchovny also doinking everything with legs in Californication. Pretty much anything goes… which makes the case of Masters of Horror episode “Imprint” so interesting as it somehow managed to get banned from Showtime. Nothing ever gets banned from Showtime. What on this depraved planet does one have to do to freak out a premium channel? Could it be the same footage that would cause Masters of Horror creator Mick Garris to christen it “the most disturbing film (he’s) ever seen”? Clearly, director Takashi Miike’s doing something right.

A few years ago there was a series on Showtime called Masters of Horror. 13 of the world’s most notable horror directors were each commissioned with directing an original one-hour film. Someone thought it would be a good idea to include Japan on this.

I mean, really.

What they got from Takashi Miike was a wonderful little story set in 19^th century Japan, of a gentleman from the West who falls for a hooker with a heart of gold named Komomo. He had to leave her behind once but now he’s searching every inch of Japan for her, so they can rekindle their romance… but instead finds a sardonic lunatic hooker who holds conversations with herself.

Determined to remain loyal to his beloved Komomo and figuring he already blew the money to have this other hooker hang out, the gentleman makes the rookie mistake of asking for her life story. The lunatic hooker reminisces of helping her mother work around the house, the tragic death of her dad and the hardship that followed when she was sold into prostitution and taken away by what we today would identify as a cosplayer.

Pimps don't cry.

She arrives in this awful brothel and meets Komomo, who’s patiently waiting for her Gai-Jin to rescue her. They become close friends, and Lunatic Hooker does what she can to help Komomo when she gets into trouble with the madam of the house. Oh wait no, that’s not the real story at all. The truth behind Lunatic Hooker is much darker, like the depths of a river of abortions. And it could have been that same river of abortions that caused Showtime to pull the plug on “Imprint”. Seriously, I’m not easily queased out but there were way too many rubber abortions.

(This is where I was going to post a picture of the abortion river for you to enjoy, but I’m too scared of how my hosting company would react.)

Or perhaps it was the long, twisted torture scene in the middle that got this episode booted off the premium channel. Burning, shoving objects into fingernails, shoving objects into mouths, upside-down suspension, pee… almost everything that I love most about the Japanese.

...No singing toilets or tentacle rape, but we do have this crazy bitch.

Now, I’m sure the Masters of Horror producers have some understanding of how premium channels work and felt that they didn’t need to ask Miike to “tone it down a little”. If someone’s asking the guy who’s best known for directing films like Audition and Visitor Q for roughly an hour of appalling Nihongore, they shouldn’t be that surprised by a torture scene culminating in pee. Maybe they could have mentioned that America frowns upon pee torture, even if it is a premium channel. To which Miike would most likely reply, “should I change it to shit torture?” You know what, why not?

Amazing cinematography though!

Blood & Gore, Extreme Violence, Foreign, TV, WTF

A Porno That’s All Plot and No Sex: a review of Sucker Punch

Mar 27th, 11 / 0 Comments

Well, that was a nice little 4 month break. Sorry about that. I was intent on coming back with a nice little piece about the “Masters of Horror” episode that got banned from a cable channel (how the hell do you even do that??) but then I went with some co-workers yesterday to see Sucker Punch. Holy shit. I couldn’t have asked for a better movie to get me out of my blogging slump. Why would I be writing about this film on a cult cinema blog a mere 3 days after its theatrical release? Trust me when I say this is going to be a cult classic– we just need a few more years to start laughing about it (although I only paid matinee price, the sting of the lost $5 has yet to wear off). It’s been said that the inherent sign of a cult movie is its lack of success at the box office– if this thing turns block buster on us, it’s going to be because of dudes who need to refill their collective spank banks.

I’m a big fan of compliment sandwiches, so I’ll start by saying that Zack Snyder brought a good idea to the table. Babydoll’s mother dies, she’s attacked by her abusive stepfather but fights back, he retaliates by putting her in an institution and pulling some strings so that she faces a lobotomy in 5 days. Her brain responds by creating an alternate, less horrible reality in which she’s in a brothel and has to fight her way out with the help of the other dancers (Hookers? Strippers? Whatever). Along the way she lapses into further hallucinations involving beating the crap out of demon Samurai, Nazi zombies, androids and a dragon. Although it ends up turning into another trademark Snyder testosterone fest, there are some nice little metaphors about women using their feminine wiles as weapons to survive in a male dominated world. Bully for you, Zack.

Unfortunately we have to enter into the negative meaty smells-weird-but-it’s-still-within-the-sell-by-date ham of this sandwich– which is the execution of the aforementioned good idea. Sucker Punch comes off like it was shooting for Inception, but turned out completely stupid. This very well may have started off as the porno version of Inception (yes, Conception) but then Snyder cut out all of the sex for a PG-13 rating. I can appreciate the violent vignettes that pop up whenever Babydoll starts dancing but they cause the film to drag along. Halfway through the robot-fighting sequence I actually found myself daydreaming about what to do for lunch. The mental institution, the brothel, and the 4 war dreams are just too much for one film. Unfortunately that, above the idea and anything else, is what’s responsible for all of the awful reviews this thing is receiving. Also, take note– Snyder’s been having a few stinkers since 300 and so far this one was the worst. It’s also the only one for which he wrote the story. For all of good movies he’s done the story (and in some cases the dialogue) was already written for him. Maybe he should stick with that plan?

Everyone bitches about the acting. I’m not an actor. I don’t know much about acting except for when it’s really bad, and I didn’t see any horrible acting in this. You’ll see a lot of familiar faces, like Emily Browning as Babydoll (remember her from Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events?), Jena Malone as Rocket (remember her from Donnie Darko? It’s okay, I had to look it up), and Vanessa Hudgens as Blondie (remember her from High School Musical? Don’t worry, you don’t have to answer that). And then Jon Hamm is a doctor/ rich brothel patron… I love it when that guy just shows up in random movies. Anyway, a lot of people complain but I’m fine with the casting. It could’ve been a lot worse.

One of the big things that Sucker Punch got right was the design. The entire thing looks fantastic, and that’s what is getting asses into seats (including my own). It has a very cool goth/ steam punk vibe, and in the reality where she’s not dreaming a lot of the color is bleached out and everything glows, so that even the mental institution doesn’t look real. It’s not surprising that the design team is made up of some of the same guys who made Alice in Wonderland, The Chronicles of Riddick and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen look as awesome as they did. Or that the team is headed up by Rick Carter, who was behind the great design of Avatar and other visually amazing films. The costume design is going to serve as fashion inspiration to every kid who ever listened to industrial music… coincidentally the guy behind this (Michael Wilkenson) was also costume designer for the film previously discussed in that last New Years post, Party Monster, which featured a flamboyant chicken outfit worn by Macaulay Culkin.

To sum it up, wait for video, but definitely see it at some point. Just don’t pay a ton of money for it, or expect some life changing revelations from the plot. In spite of Zack Snyder’s best efforts, this has a big fat CULT CLASSIC stamped across it… unless that’s what he was going for all along. But I think we can all agree that the guy should never be allowed to write his own stuff… thankfully, it’s tough to screw up anything in the Superman franchise.

Action Flick, Cult Classic in the Making, Sci-fi, Zombies

Money, Success, Fame, Macaulay Culkin: A review of “Party Monster”

Jan 1st, 11 / 1 Comment

Happy New Years! What was your New Year’s Eve like? Did you watch the ball drop? Fall asleep around 8PM? Leave your home at some point and the next thing you remember is waking up in a gutter with less teeth, a lot of glitter and $5 more than you last remembered? If you answered anything other than maybe that last option, this film will make your New Years celebration look lame.

Yep.

Seriously though, this is an acquired taste. Based on a true story, then the book Disco Bloodbath, then the documentary also titled Party Monster, this film is single-handedly responsible for some of the best parties I’ve ever been to. After this thing came out on DVD there were half a billion “Party Monster Parties” and Blood Feasts in every Nowheretown, USA, and Halloween costumes started getting a lot more competitive.

Macaulay Culkin plays Michael Alig, an up and coming party promoter in 1980′s and 90′s NYC, turned drug addict, turned murderer, with fabulous club kids James St. James (Seth Green) and Superstar DJ Keoki (Wilmer Valderrama) at his side. Armed with some of the most ridiculous/ awesome costumes, he launches himself into a horrible downward spiral ending with a hammer and draino and a dead drug dealer on his floor. The story itself is pretty simple and straightforward. Most of the fun is in the guerilla flash mob-esque parties in subways, semi trucks and fast food chains, the wardrobe and of course the rampant narcissism.

Oh Christ, the wardrobe!

Neat-o trivia: as it turns out, a lot of the crazier costumes were rented from former club kids who were actually involved in these parties. And a lot of those former club kids show up as extras (or themselves, I guess). Highlights include Marylin Manson in drag and on acid, “the art of working a room”, James St. James’ rules of glamor, and cameos all over the place including John Stamos and Amanda Lepore. This also spawned one of my favorite soundtracks ever, including an original song by the filmmakers that still shows up on set lists all over the place.

The major complaint I always hear about this movie is the horrible acting– completely over the top, it sounds like an over dramatic stage play… but if you watch footage of the real Michael Alig from jail (there’s an earlier, more documentary style film on this same subject) you begin to see that that’s exactly how this Michael guy acts. The same for Seth Green’s character, James St. James.

Overall, one of my favorite movies, even if it drives other people from the room. Even though people act appalled and ask “THAT’S THE HOME ALONE KID??!” Watch it. Then go clubbing.

Blood & Gore, Documentary, Weird as Crap, WTF

Trailers A Go-Go: December Edition

Dec 10th, 10 / 0 Comments

I decided that I want to make this a regular installment, because right now there are too many awesome flicks on the horizon to ignore. Yeah, there’s the obvious Tron: Legacy, the son of a cult classic, but come on… that trailer is plastered everywhere. If you don’t know what it’s about or that it’s coming out pretty soon, that’s really your own fault.

No, we’re taking on some more important material, such as…

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN

I don’t feel like I need to explain this too much. You can probably gather most of what you need to know from the title. I will say that there’s an awesome Machete-like vibe to this, probably because of all the gore and outlandish murder scenes… or because like Machete, this is spawned from another fake trailer from the Tarantino/ Rodriguez epic Grindhouse. It’s directed by the same guy who’s responsible for the short Treevenge, which you also probably need to see.

Have fun waiting until some random date in 2011.

IRON SKY
Mother f*cking space Nazis. Not too many more details than that… basically, Nazis go to the moon in 1945, set up camp in a Swastika-shaped moon base, and come back to conquer Earth in 2018. Brings back a sense of nostalgia for the days when we just blamed all the bad crap that happens on Nazis… kind of like we do now with Muslim extremists.

Also available in 2011.

COWBOYS & ALIENS

I completely forgot about this trailer. I actually thought it was fake at first. I also thought that was just a Daniel Craig lookalike, but it’s not. When Harrison Ford showed up it had to be a joke. And then Steven Spielberg pops up and I decided it was definitely fake. IT’S NOT FAKE. You can call it the next Snakes on a Plane. And it’s coming out around July 2011.

As for what you can expect from me over the next few weeks, we’re going to take a look at my favorite holiday classic Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and some newer 90′s cult classics. Exciting stuff.

Coming Soon, Trailers, WTF

Evil Turkeys, Naked Pilgrims: a review of “ThanksKilling”

Nov 28th, 10 / 0 Comments

Let me just say, my Netflix gets me. I was actually afraid to check the suggested category “gritty-independent-comedic-holiday-cult-slasher films” because I knew I’d only end up adding to the already bulging list of unwatched movies and TV shows in my instant queue (at least I think it’s bulging. I really have nothing to compare it to… but if it were 211 unwatched DVD’s on my shelf I’d feel very wasteful). But this highly specialized category turned me onto ThanksKilling, and I will be forever count this among my Thanksgiving blessings.

Basted with the juices of high class.

So the plot goes like this: a bunch of college students are headed home for Thanksgiving break. I don’t even remember the characters’ names, but they’re your typical slasher movie bunch– a jock, a nerd, a redneck, a goody sweetheart-kind of girl and a slutty girl. On their way they camp out and run into a demonic homicidal turkey who wakes every 500 or so years to shed blood. From there it plays out like every other slasher flick. It’s not a matter of who dies, but how and in what order. Have fun taking bets on which one emerges as a hero! Turn it into a drinking game!

This film is NOT well-made. It reminded me of some of the awful things I turned in to college professors, so you can imagine how unsurprised I was to read that this was made by college students. However I feel okay giving them props because none of my crappy college movies ever made it to Netflix or even IMDB. Given that the tagline was “Gobble Gobble, Mother F*cker” I approached very cautiously… and the first 2 minutes had me giggling for the rest of the night. You know how funny it is when small children curse? The same goes for turkey puppets. The damn thing is wearing a human disguise, and no one seems to notice. That’s awesome.

Yep.

Honestly, this was one of the stupidest– yet most entertaining movies I’ve ever seen. If nothing else, it will definitely chase your family away from the TV room, so you can have fun watching something other than football, parades and unseasonably early holiday commercials.

Oh yeah, one more thing: turkey rape. You’re welcome.

Bad Movies, Blood & Gore, Spoof, Unintentional Comedy, WTF

The Happiest Juvenile Delinquent in Baltimore: a review of Cry-Baby

Nov 9th, 10 / 0 Comments

Well that was a horrible little lull in activity. Accidental Susan Tyrrell week turned into Accidental Susan Tyrrell Month. I hate when that happens… “that” being too much crap to do and not enough time to do it. Hopefully this will be the biggest gap in entries.

Anyhow, back to reviewing this thing. Usually I try to rewatch films before reviewing them just to have them fresh in my mind. I don’t have to do that with Cry-Baby… since I’ve seen it like 40 billion times. I’ve loved John Waters’ films for most of my life, partially because he insists on setting everything in his home town of Baltimore. And I have a ton of family in Baltimore. Basically I was raised to hate the Colts in spite of not really caring about football.

In addition to the whole Baltimore thing, I’ve mentioned before that I’m really into the rockabilly music and subculture… so Cry-Baby is pretty much my perfect cult film. Straight-laced squares versus rock-n-roll drapes? Plus early performances from Johnny Depp and Ricki Lake, and an early non-porn performance from Traci Lords? And it’s a musical? Yep, perfect movie.

Johnny Depp is Wade “Cry-Baby” Walker, a socially outcast greaser with a motley gang. He ends up falling for the very mainstream Allison Vernon-Williams who, in spite of her affluence, longs for a wilder kind of scene. She finds it on the back of a motorcycle and is transformed into a badass drapette overnight. When the evening ends in a giant brawl and a paddy wagon, she must make a choice between Cry-Baby and the drapes or her friend Baldwin and the squares.

Susan Tyrrell shows up as Ramona Ricketts, Cry-Baby’s Grandma and owner of Turkey Point Swim Club. Iggy Pop is the off-beat Uncle Belvedere and Willem Dafoe pops up in a cameo as a prison guard. Fun fact: if you love this movie to the point where you want to do a sight-seeing tour based off of it, all you really have to do is visit Baltimore. Turkey Point is based on a real place with a similar name, and the Enchanted Forest theme park that shows up is also real. Although it may not be open anymore. If it is, it’s most likely in pretty rough shape.

If you like making fun of those wacky 50′s sensibilities then you probably already love John Waters for a number of reasons, but this film is one more to add to your list. Ridicule the rich and affluent!

Musical

More Candy for Me.

Nov 1st, 10 / 0 Comments

Wow, so no one wanted candy? Don’t worry, we’ll have more of these in the future. Even if you guys hate it, it’s fun for me. Anyhow, ANSWERS!

1. Suspiria (1977)

2. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

3. Forbidden Zone (1982)

4. Donnie Darko (2001)

5. Lost Boys (1987)

6. Party Monster (2003)

7. Hackers (1995)

8. The Doom Generation (1995)

9. Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

10. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

11. Monkey Bone (2001)

12. Death Proof, or Grindhouse (2007)

13. Dracula (1931, Phillip Glass score)

14, aka Bonus: The episode of The X-Files was titled “Humbug”, and the special guest performers were Jim Rose as Dr. Blockhead, and The Enigma as The Conundrum.

Sorry there hasn’t been much going on content-wise for the past few weeks. I’m currently working on the review of Cry-Baby, and that should be done very soon. Anyway, I hope everyone had a nice Halloween, and that you got more trick-or-treaters than I did. Seriously, my neighborhood sucks.

Halloweenie Playlist Contest!

Oct 17th, 10 / 0 Comments

It’s my favorite time of year! One of the things I love about Halloween is that people suddenly find my taste in music acceptable. Anyway I thought it would be fun to share some of my favorite music with everyone (courtesy of Playlist.com), and then somewhere along the line I decided to start making it a contest. Of course you can still just enjoy the playlist, use it to annoy parents, scare kids, whatever.

Guess the movies that each of these songs were in. Of course there are some very obvious songs on there, where the film is in the title or it was written expressly as part of a soundtrack, but who wants a completely impossible contest? Anyway, first person to comment on this post and get all of them correct will receive a box of Halloween candy in the mail (no razorblades or arsenic, I PROMISE). And yes, ALL of these songs have been in various cult or horror movies (I might’ve thrown a mainstream movie or 2 in there). If you use Google on this you suck, and I can’t really enforce anything more on that. DEADLINE IS MIDNIGHT (EST) SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2010.

Remember to include your email address with the submission so I can get ahold of you and figure out where you live. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

***** BONUS: Number 14, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ “Frenzy” was in an episode of The X-Files– hands down the best episode of anything found on TV EVER. Give me the episode name, and the two very special performers featured in the episode and I’ll find something on my bookshelf to send you. (Note: the True Blood episode it also appeared in does not count. Also, you DO NOT have to answer 14 if all you want is candy!)